The perfect storm (Pt. 3)

It was now four straight months of consistent Hoovering until the first week of the new year. The first of two conversations started with me sending a thought-out text, which took an hour to write. I wanted the contact to stop; of course, I missed him, that was natural. You spend so many years together you get accustomed to the person and the routine. This was different; my anxiety level would go through the roof when he would contact me, it was like I was being sucked back into the vortex of dysfunction, and my body and mind were trying to keep me out. I was so confused about why I still loved this man, the man who mistreated me?

I knew I was going through the stages of grieving, but there was this part of me that wouldn't allow me to let go entirely. I knew unequivocally I did not want a relationship with him; I knew the relationship was unhealthy. I had a deep urge to move on and was excited about my future. I was exhausted from years of dysfunction, and my body and mind were deteriorating from all the anxiety and "Cognitive Dissonance." Phycological abuse not only affects your mental health, but it also affects your physical well-being through high blood pressure, digestive issues, the lymphatic and immune system, muscle pain, and so much more. I was experiencing all the symptoms of physical deterioration by the end of the relationship.

The text I sent, explained the contact was unhealthy for both of us; I even said, you need to let me go, ending with a goodbye. The phone rang in five minutes. I remember thinking, did he even read it? The phone call came in so fast.  You would think I had enough experience by now to know he would call?  I was wrapped up in how I felt and how I was handling the break-up.  I wasn't paying attention to him and fully aware it was manipulation. My trusting nature always prevailed. 

We talked for an hour and a half; his hooks were out, as he is reminding me that we could still date, eventually? He needs time for things to settle down, code for, all the drama in his life. But what he was really saying, he hadn't secured a new "Supply."

The last of the two conversations started the same way; I need this to stop. When you love someone, even when it is unhealthy, we can have blinders on; and at the age, the two of us were at, I assumed we were having a hard time letting go. That’s what I was telling myself. Good people don't intentionally hurt good people.  Unfortunately, it takes two good human beings for that theory to work. We were not letting go for completely different reasons. 

When he called for the last time, I wanted to have a mature conversation, like two grown-ass adults, and agree to say goodbye in a respectful, mature way. My request was impossible to achieve, as we never had a respectful, mature relationship; I was beating my head against a wall. His purpose was to have the conversation be sexual; he always wanted to go there, he needed supply. I wanted to talk about us ceasing the dance.

During this conversation, I intuitively knew he was now seeing someone. I asked, "have you met someone?" He replied, "fuck Match.com," he negated the question; I knew there was something behind that. Because of this, my radar antenna went up. I knew something wasn't right for seven years; it was the fighter in me that wanted answers to this period of my life I gave away. We eventually said our goodbyes, of course, with him leaving a slight crack open. He was now seeing someone; it was fresh, so his need for me was diminishing.

I went into withdrawal. My experience with abandonment was always about why do they not want me, why did they leave, am I not good enough, am I not worthy of love? That wasn't what I was feeling. Like I described in the last post, It felt like being at the slot machine, wanting the high—my addiction (Trauma Bond). I think I was now also experiencing this driving force for answers.

For the first couple of weeks, after we ceased all communication, I drove by his house. I knew what I was doing, but I was now a detective. I saw a car I did not recognize. I stored it in my database and moved on. At the same time, a hit song was playing on the radio called "Drivers License," it was about a girl driving in the suburbs by her ex-boyfriend's house. It gave me a slight sense of not being alone. Silly but true.

I was now back in therapy, trying to unclog my brain from all the confusion.  I told my therapist what I was doing, and told her I think I’m addicted to him?  She was the same therapist who guided me when dealing with my fear of abandonment and my last discard; she knows me well. We agreed I would stop; it took me another week, and I did. 

It's now three months later; I was moving forward with some new awareness and some new guideposts. I had even gone on a few dates with this (Charming) new man! I knew I wasn’t ready nor wanted a relationship, but this man was persistent. This man was identical to my abuser, just wrapped up in a different package, it did not last long, I was becoming aware.

A week before the "Perfect Storm," I'm driving, and I find myself next to my CN’s car; I could have reached out and touched his new "Supplies" arm; we were that close. They did not see me. Seeing him put me into a blind rage, and my body was shaking. All the lies, manipulations, betrayals I felt, came to the surface. The feelings I suppressed, the feelings I wasn't allowed to have in the relationship. My body and mind were trying to tell me something; the divine led the way, trying to set me free. I drove by his house and saw the car that signified all the lies. All the pieces were falling together, but falling together for what?

The next day, I sent him an email expressing my feeling of betrayal. He responded instantly with a short but nasty email about its none of my business (which he was right, if it were normal circumstances), stay away from his friends, and not contacting him again. We emailed back and forth intermittently for the rest of the day. Hmm, strange, the man with a new girlfriend in his life for the last four months was responding? He ended his email with he missed me! (Intermittent Reinforcement) He was getting close to sucking the last drop!

The "perfect storm" arrived; I was very despondent the entire week previous because of the emails we shared. I was overwhelmed. I did not want to end on a sour note. I was carrying the guilt and shame for calling him out, even though I knew it was my right, seven years of bull shit. I was strong, and then I would collapse into, was I wrong for sharing my feelings? Seven years being punished for having a need or feeling. Two trains of thought, "Cognitive Dissonance."

So I emailed in the last attempt to see him. The need to see him, "Object Constancy," not to get him back; I had no desire for that. He would be nicer if he were in front of me; we could end amicably, is what I was hoping for. He responded by saying he wasn't ready "at that time." I accepted it. There was no reason for him to respond. Within minutes, the phone rang, it was the first time I heard his voice since the beginning of the year.

We spoke for four and a half hours!! The first words out of his mouth, "I was worried about you." Which in CN language means, "you still want me, so I'm coming in to feed." We started with the usual "Word Salad" conversations about our relationship. I couldn’t understand why; I had been out of verbal communications for three months now, so the fog was lifting. I'm paying attention to his behaviors, but I see myself play my part in the dance, just a few steps ahead now.

I asked why he would be in a relationship so quickly; obviously, they meet within weeks of me moving out. He went into circles with his lies, remember I was the detective, I saw the car! I spent years dealing with the issues around his kids; now, he had introduced her to them within weeks of courtship, or shall I say, while he was grooming her! Meanwhile, he was still on dating sites the whole time, which told me something? Then he told me he shared all his vulnerabilities with her, all the personal secrets he initially shared with me. That's when I started to see the pattern. Unconsciously I was now an investigator collecting all the data, ready to decipher later.

I asked about her; that's all it took. He shared every personal detail about his new "Supply." Everything, her vulnerabilities, her insecurities, even her sexual desires. I could go on, but I will refrain for the sake of decency. More data is being stored, no boundaries, no respect. I told him I had gone on a couple of dates with this man; I shared because it would be an indicator that I wasn't pining for him; that was my intention.  From there, he went from a boundary violator to a cruel CN.

He turned the conversation to sex. He went into great detail about me and us, and his new "Supply" even started comparing us. Then he turned directly to me and started praising my beauty and body, how he will always love me and would never be as attracted to another woman in the way as he was with me. I was at the slot machine! He began to apologize for asking me to move out under the circumstances I was going through and that he should have been more sympathetic to my needs. What?? An apology was rare, so this was a manipulating tactic I wasn't accustomed to.

At one point, he even said he wants to try with this woman (why are you doing this then)? Wasn't he already trying? He had been with her for months now. I felt this familiar disconnect he had towards her, that I had with him, this lack of respect, no boundaries, no consideration about dishonoring her trust and privacy. He did not care. She was just an object, just like I was! However, he was in Narcissistic heaven, two sources of "Supply."

I found out through this long conversation that his new "Supply" had questioned him on a few things, including his kids, and wasn't sure if she could trust him. Right!! He could lose his new "Supply!" Keep me in the back pocket until he is confident his new "Supply" is fully secure. I felt this intuitively.

Again for the sake of decency, let's just say, I saw the healthy me, watch the unhealthy me, step deep back into the dysfunction.  He violated her, and I complied. This was now happening through Facetime.

The next day, I went to see him, the physical closure I somehow needed.  It was like someone else was driving me to his house.   His first words were, "I don't care about last night; it is what it is." He was utterly detached. He looked disheveled, anxious, worried he would get caught talking to me by his FM's, who don't live there but have access to his security system.  I said, “how do you live like this?” He looked like a chaotic little boy.

While I was standing in front of him, I could feel the energy of drama swirling around him as he went back into divulging all his issues in his life.  It hit me; seven years of drama and dysfunction was not my fault. I had no drama in my life; he was the last of it.

He proceeded to tell me again to wait a year; you never know? He needed things to settle down. That expression was used so many times throughout our relationship I knew it by heart. It was the waiting period that would get extended, from weeks to months to now a year! He might as well throw it out just in case he required me down the line; I'm sure that is what he was thinking. Put me on the shelf to be taken down when needed. Also, a CN's code for, gives me time to see if I can secure my new "Supply." I shook my head and said, "I don't think so."

I walked away with my mind on fire, surging with facts and feelings, trying to put them in order.  I glanced back; this grown man, the man I once loved, was standing there holding a piece of cardboard over the camera, telling me in what direction I needed to walk, so as not to be seen.  I couldn't be seen by his FM's, his most devoted followers. How would he explain that he was still in contact with me?

Over the next several days, things started to fall into place, as well as the feeling of "what the fuck," what in the hell was I just a part of? That is not me. I have never cheated or ever been a part of a violation towards another woman in my life.  The data I collected over the past several months came to the surface. I saw seven years of my life pass before me in those two interactions. Every transgression, manipulation, betrayal, detachment, self-absorbed egocentric behavior all towards his new "Supply." I experienced this throughout my entire journey with him.

I scoured the internet to find answers to what it all represented. And there is was "Covert Narcissist." The most difficult to detect and the most effective on your phycological well-being and spirit. He exhibited every trait, and I displayed all the trauma of being with one.  I became a student, devouring all the information, deciphering all the data. I did a complete autopsy of the relationship. Seven years became clear; I was now free!!

During this enlightening but sadistic conversation, there was one comment he said to me; I remember it felt like he opened a window inside himself and saw what he was doing. He said, "just pretend I am dead." It felt like for a brief moment, he knew he was violating me, and he knew I was feeling it.  He knew I loved him; he knew I treated him with kindness; he knew he broke my heart.

But in the end, the CN prevailed. He would take what was his, me, to the very last drop, and he did!!  I have compassion and empathy for him, that's who I am, and I'm proud I carry those attributes as well as the capacity to forgive. We have never spoken again and we never will.

Moving forward, I have a lot of work that needs to be done, clearing out years of betrayal, learning to trust again. Developing strong, enforceable boundaries. But most importantly, to never deny me, my own needs. My needs matter, I matter!!

The Final Chapter:

10 minute read