Discard/Hoovering (Pt. 2)

and the “Flying Monkeys”

20 minute read

"Hoovering" is what the CN (Covert Narcissist) will do after the Discard." The better description, in my opinion for Discard, is, "thrown out with the trash." That is how I felt, especially after going through as many as I did. Not all CN's do the Hoovering; in my relationship, it happened every time, even when he had a new "Supply." After you get discarded and go back, each subsequent Discard will persistently get worse, especially if you agree to the break-up as I did with the last two Discards.

Hoovering is coined after the Hoover Vacuum Cleaning. The CN hovers over their victim and tries to suck up every last morsel of your self-respect and energy. Leaving their victim depleted, confused, and with little self-worth. 

I went through four major Discard/Hoovering phases and several mini forms of avoidant periods in the relationship. Before writing this, I had to pause and reflect as I have gone through so many; it's hard to recall. I shake my head as I get further removed from the brain fog and dysfunction. How in the hell did I allow myself to put up with this?? Why was I willing to be the whack-a-mole that would repeatedly poke my head up for rejection from the object of my affection? I will tell you; I had weak boundaries, abandonment fears, a little dose of co-dependency, and being a really good human being, that's how! 

The last Discard was eight months ago, and the Hoovering went on for seven of them. His final attempt to suck the last drop from me was painful but a gift. I saw the truth of who he was, the maestro conducting his final symphony of charm and manipulation.   

I am not a victim; I am a survivor with a wealth of new knowledge. I am sharing this story through that lens. If the perfect storm did not occur, I wouldn't be sharing this story at all. I might have walked away from the relationship with some bruises, more self-awareness, a new set of guideposts, and been on my way. I would have gone into my next relationship, cautious but probably still an idealist in love. Now, I get to walk into my next relationship with a firm set of boundaries and an open door if they choose not to respect them. The bonus, I know every play in a Narcissists/manipulators handbook! My abuser was my teacher, its unfortunate that I had to learn my lesson at the hand of a CN, but I did. 

You can't get to the Hoovering without the Discard. So I will start there. My first Discard came just as fast and furious as the relationship began. It happened at our six-month mark. There was much drama in this man's life, which rapidly increased after the "Love Bombing" phase subsided. I was spinning, trying to be the fixer. He had children, and a lot was going on there and having me in his life now. I was raised in a divorced home; I was accustomed to what it felt like to see both my parents have significant others in their lives. So I knew what I was doing. 

I was kind, thoughtful to their discomfort, and very sensitive to their needs. His kids were naive and immature for their age. I don't say that to be unkind; they were raised with rarely hearing the word no. They got everything they asked for and more. They had minimal experience with the real world outside their circle. So how they perceived me was through their father's eyes. Their father is a CN, and a CN is raising them. They became his most usable "Flying Monkeys." He shared our entire relationship with them; they were his confidants.

His so-called issues with his kids were his excuse for whether or not he should be in a relationship. He can keep one foot out the door (a manipulation tactic). The kids' reactions at the beginning towards me were typical under the circumstances. I felt connected with each and every one of them. It was all normal behavior but he hyper-focused and exaggerated the issues more than what they were. He talked and reacted but did nothing about it. CN's are notorious for no follow-through towards resolution. 

A Little about the "Flying Monkeys" FM's

"Flying Monkeys" is referenced after the "Flying Monkeys" in "The Wizard of Oz." An FM is a person who is exceptionally loyal to a CN, just like the monkeys were to the Wicked Witch of the West. The CN cultivates the devotion the same way he does his targets, with manipulation and charm. As well as, their victimhood mentality, particularly in my situation. The FM's are conditioned to believe the CN needs them; they step in to rescue just like the target does. However, they're unaware of the manipulating behaviors the target sees and endures.  

The FM's job is to protect, gossip, plead on behalf of the CN, and do their dirty work; this way, no fingerprints of the CN's are left behind on the dirty deeds. The CN sits back and watches their "Supply" fend for themselves against the monkeys. Most FM's willing to do the CN's dirty deeds carry a level of aggression themselves. I experienced this several times in my case. All CN's have at least one FM in their life. In my relationship, he had many, all used in multiple degrees.

If some of the FM's are the CN's children. They go through the push-pull behaviors to a lesser degree but this creates a high level of co-dependency, which makes them exceptional "Flying Monkeys."

Back to my story:

The first FM entered early on in the relationship. I liked her; I have a kind, non-judgmental spirit, so it's natural for me to get along with people. She and her husband were friends of my emotional abuser, so easy to assume they would be friends of mine. Not in this case, she did not like me—one of those typical people who are friendly to your face and mean-spirited behind your back. Her first call to action was to assume I was a gold digger. She was his lawyer, who happened to have a crush on him; she thought it was her place to resume the role as his advisor but now in our relationship. She also took it upon herself to gossip about me with his eighteen-year-old, which solidified the teenagers' role as a "Flying Monkey." The eighteen-year-old (eldest) had begun that role throughout his divorce. 

My first Discard. I'm at work, doing my thing; he calls to tell me it's over. He shared that he came from his lawyer's (FM's) office just hours earlier and realizes it's too soon to be in a relationship (direct advice from her) and how it's affecting his eldest. I share this detail to show how he is manipulating me (He's the victim, just doing what he's told by his FM's, his devoted followers). He removes the focus from himself and puts it on his "Flying Monkeys." It's easier to be upset at them, than the man I love and want to protect. So now, all my anger and disappointment were directed at her for the intrusion in my relationship.  It also sets me up to be cautious of his eldest, hard to build a trusting relationship after that. 

This first Discard lasted eight weeks; this is how we choreographed our dance, and the dance never changed; it just got more severe each time. 

I would want answers; I thought I deserved that. Remember, this man was planning our retirement and I thought there was love between us. We would have the crazy-making conversations that lead back to him being the victim. Of course, I'm trying to rescue, that's my first duty, not me but him. So no resolve for me, only confusion. But now he is gone! 

This is where my "fear of abandonment" showed up; I wanted to be heard and understood. I went into pursuit mode, which is common for people with this fear. He would give me little bits here and there when I reached out. I sent emails all focused on the FM's as they have no right to intrude and why would he be taking their advice etc. I'm in pursuit; he is in avoidance but with just enough manipulation to keep me pursuing, recycle-repeat. Then I realize my attempts have failed; it's over; I stop pursuing, within a week or two, boom-he calls. 

When the call comes, I'm yearning for love and affection and fall right back into the relationship, now with a dose of anxiety and a sprinkly of confusion. The "Love Bombing" starts over again, just like at the beginning of the relationship. So I forgive and forget what just happened. Within a month or two, we resume our roles, I'm the accommodator/rescuer, and he's the self-absorbed victim. 

Over the next several years, we had many more minor degrees of Discards and Hoovering. (I'm pretty sure there was another big one in there, but I will forgo sharing.) All following the same pattern, both playing our parts in the dance routine. I pursue, he avoids, recycle-repeat, he calls. We had so many dance recitals that my mother and I could predict when they would occur (every September-October.) My mother, a retired therapist, was there with me through this whole experience, as well as a close friend. My close friend had been in a relationship with a Narcissist herself. My mother has an incredible memory; she would remind me of his behaviors and violations that I was unwilling to see for what they indeed were. As mentioned in the previous post, "The Master of Charm," he manipulated, charmed, love bombed, violated, and charmed some more. And I believed he was worth saving. 

Between all of this, we authentically had a lot in common. There were many memorable moments and good times, we were very domesticated and enjoyed that about each other, we cooked together, love the water, enjoyed movies and so much more. But as mentioned, there was this disconnect and self-absorbed behavior that was always present. Me being me, I tried to penetrate and get through to him with love and compassion. But now I know it would never have happened; CN's, unfortunately, are incapable. 

When he went on an annual trip every fall, a discard would most likely happen. I would have spent my whole summer driving back and forth to be with him at the vacation home, being the good little accommodator. However, after the summer would come to an end, he would fall deep into worry about being back in the city and, of course, his kids, who are all now in their twenties. FYI, his kids did not live with him.

What I have learned and what I experienced in my relationship is that Narcissists have "Object Constancy." I would feel insecure when we were not physically together; I would have this sense that he wasn't attached to me, metaphorically speaking. This would be magnified if we were slightly off in the relationship. He would say to me, "I'm not thinking about you." I would chalk that up, even though hurtful, to him not having a filter. I was accustomed to him saying hurtful words, and then he says "I don't have a filter; it's not what I meant to say." However, this constant, "I'm not thinking of you, or I'm not thinking about us," was very odd to me. I couldn't put my finger on it. "Object Constancy." Narcissists don't remember the feelings they have about you unless they are physically in front of you (out of sight, out of mind). Hence, he broke up with me only when we were apart. In addition, it instilled an unconscious desire to accommodate even more. This is also why so many Narcissists cheat. 

Now we were in 2017; a harsh and cruel Discard was about to go down. Guess what time of year it is, the fall! This Discard had many layers to it; I was now more conscientious of his bull-shit and expected answers and follow-through. I also was inserting more personal boundaries, so not as accommodating. Gaslighting and every manipulation tactic were out in full force because of that. 

Please remember I didn't know then what I know now. I was in denial; I believed that I had given four years of my life to him, and I'm now fifty-three years of age. I'm also the idealist in love. Love conquers all. And let's not forget "Intermittent Reinforcement," my brain was programmed to stay the course and hope for a win, just like when you're at a slot machine, you're addicted to that feeling. 

He Discarded me with an email. I had to read it several times to understand what he said; I even asked my mother to help me crack the code. It was "Word Salad" on paper this time. His reasons for vacating the relationship never made any sense. I now know it's because I was not following in line; I required my needs to be met; that was always the big one—no equality within a relationship with a CN. 

His co-dependent FM's weren't getting enough attention either. If they demanded, he withdrew; I saw this and couldn't understand? I was the accommodator first and foremost, so he had ample time to meet their needs, but here's the catch, they had needs too! They were his kids and his FM's, so of course, their needs would come first. However, their needs or requests always seemed to show up simultaneously as mine. As well as him setting it up that way to create the drama, he needed the friction between them and me. According to him, during this Discard, a different child was now having a hard time regarding me in being in a relationship with their father. 

Many times when we broke up, he would make significant decisions. Put his house up for sale, etc. This time, he was thinking of doing a whole remodeling on his home; that was one of my talents (I have built four kitchens, with extensive knowledge in planning and execution), but he preferred his twenty-year-old to do that; an FM, have to keep them happy! In the summer, we had planned a trip at Christmas; he manipulated me out of that one and now needed to go with a crew of FM's.  

We jumped into our dance, recycle-repeat. Initially, I was devasted and confused; I sent many emails, pleaded for communication. But this time, I didn't pursue as long as I would in the past. I accepted it, and I was serious for the first time. I told him I needed to retrieve all my belongings at his home. When I told him this, he started to cry. The dynamic completely changed. A CN does not like it when their "Supply" agrees. CN's need their victims groveling, which makes them feel superior and keeps them in the power position. But don't be surprised by the infantile behavior to get you back, as well as a heavy dose of passive aggression. That keeps you on your toes. 

When he portrayed humanness and was now clinging, it did give me reasons to believe that there may be a change of heart. I had never experienced this. In the past, I felt I convinced him to come back, which added another layer of instability for me in the relationship. I still proceeded and got my belongings. For the next several weeks, we continued to talk; I just assumed we had grown as a couple, and he was making breakthroughs regarding us. What I was experiencing was full-throttle "Hoovering," I was totally oblivious. 

I told him I would not get back into the relationship unless we went to therapy, he agreed. I was over the moon. We were on the right track until he called and told me “no” (pursue, avoidant, repeat). This went on for months. Christmas trip had come and gone; his house was complete. We now had an appointment booked with a therapist again; he canceled. When we were apart, he would make these decisions (Object Constancy). When we would occasionally see each other, his demeanor changed towards me. I unconsciously knew this, so now I did it in person when I pursued him. The dance continued, with an added step, I had to see him! 

I want to share this detail: to show what I dealt with, with his FM's. When we were in our dance, my emotional abuser had his FM (eldest) pretend she was him and proceeded to have an entire conversation with me. He was in his avoidant passive-aggressive behavior; she did not hold back; his youngest child helped the eldest write the text. I was never to trust them again. I did not know about this detail until we got back together; why, and how could you ask your kids to do that? He shared this profound breach with me so that I would feel apprehensive around his "Flying Monkeys," he took a step back, and now the relationship depended on whether they accepted me or not. 

During this seven-month Hoovering expedition, even though we were still doing our dance, I was doing intense therapy with a new modality called "Life Span Integration." I was on a mission to get rid of my abandonment issue; it was life-changing; I no longer carry the depth of that burden I had for most of my life. I was also working on all the things I thought I was doing wrong in the relationship, my emotional abuser carefully crafted, through gaslighting, I was the one to blame. All his problems were my problems, and I started to believe him, the beginning of me developing “Cognitive Dissonance.“ I know it's isn't my fault, but is it my fault?? 

Summer was approaching; we had gone through so many nasty recycle-repeats by this time, it was confusing and exhausting. He would call, turn conversations sexual, avoid, call again; then he turned it up a notch with the, I love you, I need to change, your right, I need to get boundaries with my kids, he told me everything I wanted to hear. He was also on dating sites and would do this every time he discarded me. He obviously did not obtain a new "Supply," so that's why he continued “Hoovering” me. 

Finally, I went to him (in person) and said I'm gone; I was getting stronger, if we don't go to therapy, you will never see me again, and I meant it. I was done. So we did, we went into therapy. He knew he would lose me if we didn’t go. And he had no backup plan, no “Supply” in his back pocket. This also determined the next Discard of me would be punishing!! 

So off to the vacation home for the summer; it was incredible as usual. We hadn't told his kids we were back together for the first couple of months, so it was a good run. He asked me not to disclose or allude to his kids that he had reached out to me during our separations. This detail was significant; he leads his kids and a few friends to believe I was the crazy ex, unstable, chasing, manipulating, etc. He set me up again, so any future Discard, he would be in the clear! It also added another layer to what was becoming an insurmountable level of anxiety and confusion. 

Once the kids were back in the picture, everything was different for me, not for him. He no longer was worried about his kids; that was my job now! They now perceived me through his eyes, a CN's eyes. I was duking it out with his kids in a silent battle. And the lawyer FM would poke her head in now and again to get a few punches in.   

I started to lose who I was, I didn't know who to trust, and clearly, my emotional abuser was not going to protect me. He would say, "I can't help it if they don't like you." It seemed like they liked and accepted me; they said so in the therapy office? (we had a family therapy session) But in reality, I was now seeing little abusers in the making, loyal FM soldiers.  He would sit back passively and witness their abusive behavior and cruel comments towards me.

Over the next eighteen months, he was now becoming more aggressive; he would say things like, "if you didn't have abandonment, we wouldn't have problems, or you need to have better self-esteem." I was in awe when he would blurt this out and leave the room. Sporadic acts of kindness and affection throughout of course. I'm a solid independent person; this man had freedom in our relationship. I'm not the type of woman that puts restrictions on what my partner can or cannot do. He would also say, "you're the strong one; you can handle it" He would say this after he would dump more issues on me to carry regarding his FM's.  I was left to fend for myself.

Fast Forward to the last "Discard/Hoovering," this is where I left off in the "Mastery Of Charm" post. After he asked me to move out, he also told me he wanted us to continue dating, which was a “no” from me. I could not believe he thought that was a possibility. Seven years together to now date? I would not be put back on the shelf to be taken down when he needed me. I used those exact words with him and the therapist, he was doing just that, I was an object.

I told him we had to do a therapy session; I would not do our dance again, the one we perform after the Discard. He agreed, probably, because I adamantly agreed to the break-up. We went and never touched on the topic, which was why we were there in the first place. I was scare but feeling confident in getting out of the relationship, but somehow we ended up talking about him as usual. We had another session booked for a few days later, so he left for the vacation home and returned the night before the session. He called to let me know he was coming home, which was rare for him to do so, under these types of circumstances. I noticed he was wavering again. 

I wasn't in abandonment anymore, but I lived in a "Trauma Bond," addicted to my abuser, and I loved him. We ended up sleeping together; I am sharing this because I had a gentle awakening. I remember the feeling of no genuine intimacy with him; I told myself I couldn't wait to be with someone who could share that passion with me and accept my beauty, kindness, and nurturing qualities. I had tears in my eyes, I remembered who I was, for a brief moment, and it felt amazing! 

The next day, the wrath came out, how we got there, I can't recall? He told me how no one liked me, his kids, his friends, that I had low self-esteem, I was aggressive, even told me I was manipulative, etc. His set-up from the last Discard. I told him I felt like I was on a playground in a schoolyard and was being bullied, with all the bullies' friends standing around watching. I told him it felt like I was being thrown out with the trash, with the way he was treating me, and how he was so detached. I was describing him as the "CN" with all his "FM's," I intuitively knew what was happening, but I did not know what I was dealing with "yet." I finally spoke up and said, "well, my family thinks your a coward." This put him into a silent Narcissist rage; I had to get out of the house. What followed, he sent me an email and told me I had to go by the end of the month when we agreed on two!

I found myself a beautiful place to live; I was excited to start my new life. Yes, I felt the loss of the relationship, but not feeling abandoned. For the next seven months, it was a slow drip of Hoovering. Every time I told him that we shouldn't be talking and we need to cease all contact, my phone would literally ring within five minutes. This time I recognized the behavior, but I couldn't understand why I was allowing it; eventually, I searched the internet and found "Trauma Bond." The day before the “perfect storm,” I had written in my journal, the entire description of a relationship with a CN, I had no idea, of course until days later.

I will continue this story in "The Perfect Storm."