the mastery of charm (Pt. 1)
My relationship with a Covert Narcissist
15 minute read
I have always been an idealist in love, innocent in seeing and feeling my way through relationships. I would meet a man, and it was all about the instant connection. There had to be a spark; as we all say, there had to be chemistry.
I was now forty-nine years of age and was at a point in my life that I hoped to meet my forever after. After each failed relationship, including marriage, I would forge new guideposts to help me navigate a better experience with the next one. I knew I had my own issues that I brought to my relationships; I wasn't naïve.
I had a difficult childhood that instilled a sense of unworthiness and insecurities around being lovable. I knew I deserved love outside, but the inside wasn't fully connected to that theory. I always did inner work, sought counseling, read books, etc. And with good intent would bring my knowledge forth into the next chapter.
My newfound guideposts were being upfront about wanting a committed relationship. Don't share childhood traumas at the starting gate. Wait until at least four or five dates before sharing intimacy with my body. Do not say "I love you" until their words were congruent with their actions. Pay attention; people always tell you who they are (red flags). Be the strong independent woman I am, and I would no longer give myself to a man simply because he wanted me. Oh, and ask for my needs to be met. The negation of this last one kept me in my perpetual childhood trauma. Everything was in place, so I was now all set!
I walked into this new relationship with high hopes; the spark, the chemistry was all there, check! He felt the same and had no problem expressing it. The relationship started fast and furious. I was accustomed to men loving my beauty, body, and my kind spirit, but this man seemed to mirror everything I wanted in a relationship. Remember, I'm the idealist in love, so this felt great!
On our second date, while at the beach, we ran into a friend of his; he introduced me by saying, "meet my future second wife." I remember feeling, wow, that's fast! It took me totally by surprise; I felt a little embarrassed for him; my intuition was trying to tell me something. I was used to the noncommittal types; I would take a leap and let him lead. Putting my trepidation aside, I happily accepted my new position! He was vulnerable, intelligent, financially secure, incredibly charming, exuberant, and had a large circle of friends; he was almost larger than life. From the outside, he had it all. On the inside: he was a Covert Narcissist.
I am trusting, nurturing, and self-reflective by nature; I am also an empath. I would lean in with that and make up for all my partners' deficiencies. I was the rescuer! This was a crucial guidepost I forgot to list and therefore started me off on this painful and complex journey.
Within the first couple of weeks, we talked and shared; he told me all about his childhood, intimate secrets, vulnerabilities, marriage, how he did everything he could to save it. The betrayal and losses he felt. He was so in touch with who he was and his feelings, so it seemed. It was refreshing. So I ignored my guidepost and expressed all of mine, including my fear of abandonment. Through this, what seemed like two people connecting set the scene for me to resume my role, "the rescuer." This man needed and deserved my love!
What differentiates the Covert Narcissists from their closed-off brother, the Overt Narcissist, is the initial self-expressing of vulnerabilities and oversharing. CN's do this for three reasons: first, to see your capacity for empathy, a trait they do not carry. Set themselves up as the victim, his most prolific manipulating tactic in my case. And thirdly, to find out your vulnerabilities so they can exploit them.
For the next couple of months, the relationship was fabulous. We had so many interests in common; even our future dreams were the same. I was overwhelmed by how I was experiencing our connection like no other; this man was special. I was falling for him, and I knew he was too. I tried desperately to keep my feet on the ground, trying to pay attention to any red flags. He talked about our retirement, telling me he wanted to take me to Hawaii, buy me new ovens for my professional kitchen, and even showed me how to close up his vacation home because he would leave it to me one day. He needed to keep his Mercedes dealer on speed dial just in case he wanted to buy me one. He told me how beautiful, kind and how he felt so comfortable with me. He praised and adored who I was. He wanted me with him all the time. He was an idealist in love, too, however, for entirely different reasons.
I was experiencing the Idealization phase, better known as "Love Bombing." The "Love Bombing" is the first stage of the four phases a CN takes you through.
I distinctly remember my body telling me something wasn't right throughout this phase. My intuitive self told me to wake up. But my mind, the part that carries all the feeling memories, was getting very well fed.
At one point, I recognized a behavior as a red flag and acted on it. I sent him an email expressing that though I appreciated all that he was offering, it was my heart that needed to be taken care of. I have always been a self-sufficient woman. Yes, his affluent lifestyle was a bonus, but money was not what I was after, and I certainly did not give any impression that my car or ovens needed to be replaced. A CN’s manipulative devaluing tactic. I was proud of myself for speaking up; however, money turned out to be one of his power plays that he used often.
A little about the CN's
Covert Narcissists have individualized issues from their life experiences just like everyone else, and all have a different degree of Narcissistic tendencies. Therefore the environment is different, but the behavioral patterns are the same. They all carry the same deep feelings of fear, abandonment, and lack of identity. As well as the inability to have genuine intimacy and empathy. To cover up these feelings and inadequacies, they need superiority and control. They have no trust in others, equality, or life. Their persona is one of being misunderstood.
The perfect target is someone who knows how to love, is empathetic, kind, trusts others, and treats them as equals. CN's would never allow themself to have a partner that's not worthy in the eye of the public. They look for intelligent, beautiful, successful, self-confident, charismatic, or financially well-off partners.
CN's project insecurities, identity issues, fears, shame, guilt, or anger onto their target, making themselves feel better - more superior, in control, and ultimately better than you. Because they reject or deny these feelings, the only way they can make themselves feel better about who they are is by making you take on these issues. The CN twists the reality and reverses the roles with their “supply.” They become superior, and you lose yourself. (“Supply” is their target - victim)
Back to my story:
During those initial months, he established I was worthy of love; he showered me with it. He was planning our retirement, so security was in my future. And he clearly wasn't going to abandon me; he declared countless times, "I will never find someone like you." And of course, the big one, "l love you." Which he professed within the first five weeks of our courtship. During this time, he also slept with someone else!!
Remember my guidepost? I don't reciprocate "I love you"? I imposed what is called a narcissistic injury; I wounded his ego. What makes it a narcissistic injury is two distinct characteristics. One, for a brief moment, he saw a belief that he didn't want to see in himself, his unworthiness for love. Secondly is their response; it's like a child's tantrum. He became so self-effacing. What did I do? I went into high gear to rescue him from himself. Everyone deserves love! Not only did I accept the 101 of red flags, "cheating," but I also began to trust him more than I trusted myself. He now knew I was the ideal target; I was his perfect "supply." He had my trust and loyalty.
The "Devaluing"; is the second phase of the four. This is where it becomes very tricky. Over the next several years, I was engulfed in a world of drama and dysfunction. I not only took on his issues, but I also tried to fix each and every one of them. I was the resident therapist. When we would talk about our relationship or his behaviors, I would feel understood and alienated all at the same time. He felt detached and disinterested, with no genuine connection. He would cover up the original topic by turning the conversations into three-hour philosophical discussions. There was no resolution when the conversation was over, only exhaustion and confusion for me, and somehow he was the victim.
He could talk himself out of any bad behavior or violation towards me. Remember, I was the self-reflecting type, a perfect fit for blame-shifting. If he ever did accept his part, passive-aggression and avoidant behavior would follow.
He never offered solutions, compromises, or ever brought up issues in the relationship; anything to work on or keep the relationship going. That was my job! CN's don't want a stable relationship; if I was happy or joyful, it was a potential threat that would empower me; therefore, it would put him in the down position. CN's will tell you they hate drama, but they will purposely create it so they can feel alive. However, they set it up, so all the drama is circling around them; all the players play their part while the CN sits back and passively watches.
He was so good at manipulating that he would use three or four tactics in one situation. His favorite, however, was the silent treatment; it was the most damaging to my mental health and sense of value. The silent treatment always ran in the same pattern; I would request a needs in the relationship that simple. My needs or requests were commonplace in a healthy relationship. We would then have the "word salad" conversation, which always leads back to him, and somehow he's the victim because I had a need? He would portray he heard me, even show what appeared as compassion. But after he sat with it for a while and comes to a delusional conclusion that no one demands from him, he would detach from the relationship. Where does this leave me? I am confused, yearning for love and affection, and my most significant insecurity, abandonment. This manipulating tactic gave him complete control over the relationship, the power to give or withhold love and affection.
Gaslighting was another favorite of his. We would make a plan, whether it be a holiday, a weekend to the vacation property, or a simple dinner for the two of us. I would feel connected, valued, the sense that we were a team. Only to find out that he has planned the same vacation, weekend, or dinner with his kids or had to go on some other trip instead. He would deny, justify, blame-shift, and of course, he's the victim; "I'm just trying to please everyone" is what he would profess. Which is code for everyone "needs and wants me," he's center stage! Meanwhile, I'm the woman he says he can't live without.
The subtly of the devaluing would be manifested in the things he didn't do for me. He was always on his phone or leaving the room when I was talking; he wouldn't return texts in a fashionable time. He could never look me in the eye. Missing me but always had an excuse for not making an effort. I would never get praised or appreciated for the talents that I brought to the relationship, whether home decor, gardening, business knowledge, etc. He always had to be the advisor, the teacher. I turned my business into a million-dollar business in less than three years; his comment was, " your business is doing better because you're with me." It was so self-absorbed I didn't even know how to respond. He would always make life decisions when he was in his avoidant behavior. The life he asked me to be a part of, I was always on the periphery, never fully allowed in.
There were countless violations towards me, too many to express for the sake of keeping this contained. So onto the tricky part. What makes being with a CN so damaging to your physiological well-being is their ability to devalue and what seems like love and adoration all at the same time. He would show sporadic acts of kindness and love throughout all the manipulations and devaluing tactics. Sometimes it would carry on for several weeks at a time. He would cook, offer lots of affection and praise. Go to our favorite spot for weekends, resume planning our future, and of course, lots of sex. And let us not forget their mastery of charm! He would be playful and put me center stage; he would literally charm the pants off me! He needed me again! I fell right back into a role a CN designs for their targets, "the accommodator." Be there when they want you!
After you have months or years of existing in this duality, push-pull, which in psychology means "Intermittent Reinforcement," you begin to develop a "Trauma Bond," an addiction to your abuser. Your brain chemistry is changing.
I knew intuitively and intellectually something wasn't right. Deep into the relationship, I started searching the internet for all the things I was experiencing with him: avoidant, self-absorbed behavior. I even searched crazy-making conversations. I was becoming desperate. I knew I was losing myself, but I was stuck. I was now dealing with "Cognitive Dissonance," the belief he loved me and the sense that this doesn't feel right. I was in a complete state of confusion—a beautiful place for a CN to have you.
The third phase, "The discard," the most painful of them all. I felt like I was thrown out with the trash, literally. After the CN has no more use for you, or you become so drained, physically and emotionally, there is nothing left to feed on in their eyes; they discard you.
In my case, I was becoming me again, happy. Covid came, and because I had to shut my business for several months, it gave me the rest and rejuvenation I needed. Which also gave me the time to pay attention to him and his dysfunction and behavioral patterns. Weeks before Covid, we went on an elaborate vacation; the destination was fantastic. He paid for the whole trip and told me I was so deserving as I was so good to him. Which I was. It was his payoff for the way he treated me on that trip, back to the lack of everything! I realized now that I'm out, he would never want me to contribute to the household expenses nor chip in for anything that carried value. It was how he remained in the power position. I was not allowed to have a voice, a voice in a life with him.
When we returned, Covid was in full force, everything was beginning to shut down, and he needed me. I was always his security blanket in a crisis; CN's are very infantile; they lack emotional maturity. We were already talking about moving in together; it was six and a half years together at this point. So he said this was a perfect time, so we did. I worked hard to set the house up with all my furnishings, cleaned every closet, cupboard to have a feeling of a fresh start. Four months later, after my happiness began and I required my needs to be recognized again, he asked me to move out. The day he asked me to move out and suggested we continue to date, Hmm!! He was back on dating sites looking for his next "supply." The place where we met.
The final stage is called "hoovering," literally named after the vacuum cleaner. This phase deserves its own story. How the Discard/Hoovering play out, I cycled through all four stages in this relationship several times, which reinforces the “Trauma Bond.” The final hoovering attempt was the experience I needed that finally set me free of seven years of dysfunction and emotional abuse.
